Well, I’m glad I put the morning alarm on already, as I am sitting here in a little pool of light, pen and paper at hand. Yes, pen and paper. A computer would not be personal enough for the thoughts whirling in my mind at this moment. A pen and paper feel more as if my thoughts are actually streaming onto the crisp white paper, relieving my pent up mental breath.
I have, for a long while, been thinking of writing about starting over: thinking that perhaps others would gain some kind of ease, perhaps be inspired in some way by watching as another person begins life again. Tonight as I tried to sleep, the thoughts just wouldn’t stop, so I decided to get up and actually try to get some of it down on paper.
There are so many people starting over. Every day I talk to different ones who start over for a myriad of reasons: there are those like me, who have lost a loved one through death. There are those who have lost loved ones through divorce and it feels to them as if it is the same thing. There are some who must start over for financial reasons: their jobs are gone, their homes may be gone, they may have been forced into a move and have a new location to make their world in.
I have done all those things at one time or another and am beginning a new life once again. I don’t know how it comes about but each new start is different from the one before. You have a new point of reference each time and, of course, experience from the points before, each time feels just as desperately hopeless as the one before and each time is totally different. I know from experience that none of these are easy. I know that the actual point of starting over again is hard to pin down in some cases. Sometimes we know for a good while that something is going to happen: the catastrophic event that leads us to starting over usually has some hints leading up to the fatal point. It may be company problems at work, financial problems at home, domestic trouble, or a terminal illness. It may not even be a bad reason that causes us to start over. Sometimes it is just a desire to explore, to move to a new location, a new job. A restless spirit may be the cause.
Whatever the cause, you find yourself faced with starting over. At first you may, as I did this last time, just go through the motions of being alive. Friends come and go, you smile, assure everyone you are OK, you do the laundry, feed the dog, mow the grass, shop for food --- but the joy is gone. You save the crying for nights, you avoid talking about it because your throat closes. Then, one day, the knots in your stomach begin to untie. You begin to look around, wondering “what now?” and you realize you can’t just go on in a fog forever, but where does new inspiration come from?
The exact starting point doesn’t begin with the catastrophe that caused a new beginning to be necessary. Starting over begins when you peer through the curtains of fog and genuinely smile at the friends who are still there, and begin to put out feelers to discover what might be around that corner after all. It begins when the winter you can’t remember ends, and when you look around you realizes it’s spring: when did it stop snowing in your heart?
So here I am. My mate of 20 years has gone. He told me to be happy, but I was sure for the first year that I never would be again. Maybe I won’t ever feel that particular joy again. Maybe I’ll settle for contentment, satisfaction. But spring is here. I’m doing some new things, I’m doing some old things over again, and I’m looking forward to growing into this new life I’m jumping into.
I’ll look back sometimes and maybe choke a bit now and then, and I’ll share that, too. But I’ll be looking to the future, thinking of the next steps onward.
I invite you to jump in with me. This “blog” is just one of the new things I’ll be into. In it, I’ll share memories, thoughts, ideas and news with you. I’ll look forward to hearing from anyone who cares to comment on my post and I look forward to making new friends and strengthening old ones. Join me as we step into tomorrow.
